ja_koniga

Once

On Sunday afternoon my sister joined me at the Broadway Theatre to see the film Once. I took the recommendation from Dooce’s blog because I obviously don’t have a life. I want to recommend this movie to everyone to seem educated and cultured, but I really have to think: Would I tell someone to stay married to someone who doesn’t understand them, or stay with a girlfriend who sleeps with your friends? Well, no, I wouldn’t.

Small Town Dynamic

On Monday, I drove five hours to the city Blanding and kept myself awake by talking to myself. Once I arrived I thought, “I think I could really live here!” The next morning, I stopped off at the gas station for my morning coffee and noticed the station worker saying good morning to everyone; BY FIRST NAME. Before the end of my trip, I was recognized and spoken to at gas stations slash grocery stores and I felt like my privacy was being invaded. “Hi Ken, are you out of Nair again?”

iTunes Wi-Fi

Apple released a new iPhone update on Thursday and now I can buy music wirelessly and sync it back to the Mac. This is awful news for my pocket book because I have never before gotten such a thrill by purchasing digital music. It’s sort like digital cocaine. Drugs are bad.

“Where’s the cake?”

SML’s parents were out of town on Sunday, but we ended up going to their home anyway to have dinner with his siblings. We brought homemade gluten-free chocolate cake, but when it came time for dessert nothing happened. I repeat, NOTHING HAPPENED. While in the kitchen a cake was begging to be digested, everyone sat in their chairs talking about stocks and whether or not everyone had dental insurance. I may have actually been squirming out of control because it took all of my will power to not scream out, “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? LETS EAT!”

“I found it”

In the mornings I tend to say phrases like, “I found you” and “I’m ready” in a high-pitched mouse-like voice. It’s hard to describe the varying tones and it took me at least two hours to really master the technique after I heard SML doing it in the shower. On Tuesday night I said, “I FOUND it” in my special way in front of an Office Depot employee and customer. SML’s entire face seemed to twitch and without smiling he said, “You are so weird.” I think he meant to say, “You are way too comfortable being you.”

“You can’t deny the return of the King”

For three days or so, SML kicked my ass at Tennis Wii. SML’s reign didn’t last long however, because eventually I remembered how to hold the Wii remote. The best part about all of this is the noise SML makes whenever I score. It goes something like, ‘Gobble Gobble!” and then he spanks himself as some sort of sadistic punishment. And wow, it just never gets old.

The scene of the crime

When I was single and considerably younger, Cole and I would frequent the iHop to talk largely about wanting to quit our jobs and which Provoan I should file an anti-stalking injunction against. We both returned to iHop on Wednesday night, but unfortunately our conversation centered on Cole’s recent breakup. Wishing you the best of luck, Cole.

“The common english language”

Just after SML and I left the Farmer’s Market on Saturday, we got into an argument over where a certain symbol originated. In the middle of my story about how I inadvertently joined a gang, we erupted into spat about who was more condescending. At the end of the argument I awarded myself ‘Asshole of the year’, because no other person can quite overreact the way I do. Except for maybe Paula Abdul.

Tea Party

In an effort to be more social, SML and I started to having ‘Coffee Dates’ every Sunday to talk about life, love, and the latest people in our lives we’d like to see die. It’s almost as much fun as my dates with Cole at iHop, except for that I don’t talk and I pretend to not have an opinion about anything other than how much Sweet ‘N Low goes in my coffee. This coming Sunday I plan on branching out a bit and declaring my preference in deodorants.

“What was that bang?”

Because I was so excited for a new television, I didn’t even notice that the world outside of my apartment closely resembled many scenes from The Day After Tomorrow. After the power had gone out, SML and I decided to head outside to find some grub. Once outside both of us exclaimed, “Hey! Where did that fence go?”

“Let them eat cake”

On Thursday night just after the sixth inning at the Bee’s baseball game I suggested to SML that we, “stay till half-time and then go home and eat cake.” SML looked at me with a curious expression and said, “There’s no half-time in baseball!” And because I hate being wrong, I wanted to look it up to make sure that there wasn’t a break after 4.5 innings.

“Carter is going to be so happy with us.”

SML and I often go into pet stores to torture ourselves by looking at cats and dogs that we can’t have. On Sunday morning, we stopped in at the PetsMart to look at kittens and left with SML talking about the kitten named Carter nonstop. That evening I wrote an e-mail to organization of kitties asking about Carter, but received bad news. The look on SML’s face was heart-breaking when I told him Carter had found another home and he said, “Carter was going to be so happy with us.” And I was really looking forward to toilet-training a kitty.

Wii would like to play

The rest of Sunday afternoon was spent playing on a Nintendo Wii. Playing tennis with SML on a Wii is a lot more fun than real-life tennis because I never had to chase balls or wait for a good serve. My Wii character Marsha and I got along really great because we both know how to really kick some tennis ass. But be forewarned: Two hours of Wii equals approximately two and half days of muscle pain.

Back to School

Riding the train to and from work has been less than comfortable since classes began at the University on Monday. What was a very peaceful nine-block ride is now a very crowded and loud nine-block ride that leaves you feeling like you’ve just been dipped into a bustling ant hill. At one point, a bike’s wheel was in my back as I was helping to steady a baby a stroller wedged in-between the doors and the stairs. At that point, I began using the ‘Secret’ by repeating over and over again, “SML won’t go to school in New York. SML won’t go to school in New York.”

Gottahavva Big H

I told SML I wanted a big, juicy piece of meat for dinner on Thursday night so he suggested we go Hires Big H. The burger came out looking like something from White Castle and although the first bite tasted nice, by the fifth or sixth bite I could feel my arteries clogging and I decided that if I was going to eat like this, I would only do it at Crown Burger. It’s a lot more classy.

Stardust

Last Saturday, I went to see the movie Stardust with SML and his parents. This really goes to show how few friends SML and I actually have; because how many other couples out there feel cool hanging out with parents? And whenever something in the movie referred to gay culture, I’d slouch down in my chair because it felt like everyone was watching me. And the solar system? It actually revolves around me.

Get the boxes!

Sunday afternoon, SML and I finished moving everything out of his old apartment. Taking two months to move isn’t really that bad when you consider how lazy I am. When we got to the apartment however, SML didn’t bring any boxes to pack anything. Without much effort, I spazzed out and more the once SML asked me to, “lie down and take it easy.’

Decorating with SML part II

On Monday, we got started unpacking SML’s things into our very teeny apartment. And SML decorated:

Sushi is better when you don’t pay for it. Seriously.

Wednesday nights at Ahh Sushi is $3.00 night; what is better than $3.00 sushi and beer? BA took SML and I out because I got her monitor to work by plugging it in. My going rate for that kind of service is two sushi rolls, a beer and a kiss right on my smackers.

“There’s an ass on your t-shirt!”

A couple of months ago I got a free Salt Lake County Democrats t-shirt for helping out at the county convention, and since then I’ve worn it to do important things like go to the gym or make midnight runs to Taco Bell. On Tuesday afternoon as I was leaving Trolley Corners, a man in passing said “A Democrat in Utah! Ha! GOOD LUCK.” Is there a support group for battered Democrats?

I’m telling the Burger King

On Thursday night, I took SML with me to the Dairy Queen in Sandy so we could eat ice cream in the car. I do this often because my cravings for food after nine are unbearable and sometimes violent. We drove through a rainstorm to get the Dairy Queen and for the first time ever I wished I lived in West Valley City to have quicker access to Dairy Queen and other white folk who eat fast food in their cars.

WTF

On Friday night just before bed, I was browsing the Internet and found out that Christina Aguilera is married. I responded with something like, “SML! Did you know Christina Aguilera is married!?” My face was probably contorted when I said that because seriously. Where. Have. I. Been. She has been married since 2005. I feel really let down by Star Magazine.

Down South

After I had dragged SML to Thanksgiving Point on Saturday afternoon, I suggested that we stop into the notably large outdoor-gear store, Cabelas. We didn’t last very long inside because the men in that store had on their angry faces and we weren’t much interested in posing with dead animals. At one point SML exclaimed, “I think those people are polygamists!” When I asked him why he said, “Because they’re so ugly.” C’mon, Brigham Young wasn’t that ugly.

“What’s cooler than being cool”

At a Wednesday night birthday party, SML left me alone because an entire group of people surrounded him and began to ask questions about the iPhone. There is definitely no question about it: Having an iPhone makes you the coolest person at the party. Eventually SML’s mother came over and said, “You could take yours out to be cool too if you wanted.” But I want people to like me for me.

Fiddle, Faddle

On Thursday afternoon I had a goodbye lunch with some of my favorite female co-workers at the Fiddler’s Elbow in Sugar House. It was one of the moments where you feel slightly ganged up on by the opposite sex, because I was the only guy surrounded by about nine women. Our conversation centered mostly on IKEA, SML, and sometimes wandered to teachers sleeping with their students. I’m really going to miss those guys (ladies).

“That was cool!”

On Thursday night during the credits to Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix SML said, “I liked the guy whose powers came out of his staff when he banged it. That was cool!” I felt both bewildered and turned on when he said that and a little bit of pee came out when I laughed.

New iMac

On Saturday morning I bought a new iMac to replace my MacBook, Deiter. It is very pretty. SML was really good at negotiating with the salesman at Compusa and had him check all of the iMacs to find the one with the best warranty. When the salesman asked why I didn’t want Apple Care, I wanted to say, “Because on average I buy a new Mac every six months.” Which isn’t healthy and also really embarrassing.

Independence Day

I spent the Fourth of July dipping my feet into my sister’s pool. I couldn’t actually get in because it’s been awhile since I’ve shaved my chest or applied Nair. My sister said that if a dog jumps in the pool, it’s the equivalent of about twenty people and the filters can’t handle the extra load. Imagine the filters if I had jumped in. Ew. Now imagine me in a thong. Ew.

“She and I”

On Thursday night just as I was approaching the very exclusive Laundromat, SML interrupted my story and said, “She and I.” Because I said, “Me and her.” I was so upset by this I wouldn’t finish my story and mentioned something like, “You don’t like to be interrupted either!” Beyond that, I already know I’m a hillbilly and it’s very upsetting.

Growling in the bathroom

This morning as I was putting on my contact lenses, I heard a strange and very demonic noise coming from the bathroom. It sounded garbled and dangerous, as though the noise were coming from an animal mixed between a tiger and a hairless dog. My only response was, “Do we need to perform an exorcism in there?” When SML made the noise again, I made out the words, “Kenneth must LOVE ME.” Dear god.

The Prayer

On Sunday afternoon, SML was asked to say the prayer before dinner at his parent’s house. I may have gasped out loud because I was utterly afraid of what kinds of things SML might pray for. “Dear God, please help Ken remember to turn on the bathroom fan when he’s in the shower.” Also, I’m very worried that I may have to say the prayer at some point. “Dear God, please help SML organize his shoes.”

“In the Zone.”

On Wednesday, some of my co-workers mentioned that they had seen at me at the gym and couldn’t get my attention. As in they shouted my name and waved as though they were guiding an airplane. “But you just looked straight forward and kept on going!” And that’s because I treat my workouts very seriously. That Sonic smoothie after the gym? I treat those very seriously too.

Saying goodbye.

I decided to quit my job. That day I wrote about how bored I was? I did it on that day. The best part about all of this is that my new job is on a Macintosh platform; and I’m in charge. Did I mention I really hope I don’t blow this?

“SML Wins!”

On Thursday afternoon SML and I went to a workshop that may or may not have been for women. I’m not totally sure but I got that feeling when the presenter kept making a special point to say, “AND gentlemen.” At the end the presentation she drew business cards out of a hat to pick the winner of a free Feng Shui consultation. She picked SML and now I suspect that I’m going to be moving a lot of furniture.

Lederhosen is still cool

The night that SML and I first got to Germany, my parent’s German neighbors invited us over for a barbecue with snitzel and bratwurst and too many desserts to count. Their neighbor’s son came out dressed up in traditional lederhosen that I thought was really cool because in Utah, the closest thing we have to that is dressing up like a Pioneer/Polygamist on the 24th of July.

“Work will set you free.”

One of the first things we did in Germany was visit the Dachau concentration camp, which was kind of the model for the other camps during World War II. This picture shows the message on the front gate to the camp that translates to “work will set you free.” It was a sad place, but a really cool museum if you’re ever in the area.

Bathrooms are for more than just peeing.

You can seriously buy sex toys in the bathrooms from vending machines. SML noticed these first. Just so you know.

Only in a fairy tale.

The first week in Germany we went down south into Bavaria to see Munich and visit Neuschwanstein, the very famous castle you see in this picture. My sister was really adamant about taking a horse carriage up the castle because, “When are you ever going to get to do that.” If she meant when am I going to see a horse nearly fart and shit in my face I hope never again.

Speaking Japanese in Paris

Paris is an amazing city if only for it’s size. I actually developed a potato-sized callous on the side of my foot from walking the city and a new tendency to complain about everything. This was bad for my diet because whenever I have to do hard work I feel like I’m entitled as many ice cream scoops as I want. Which is two scoops every day around 3:00.

The last night we spent in Paris was at a Japanese restaurant because it’s one of my most favorite foods ever. I’d been walking all day in the rain and I totally deserved it. Across from our table some Japanese women greeted us by saying “Hallo!” and the laughing at the way we were holding our chopsticks. We were totally invited to come visit them in Japan the next time we happened to land on that island.

Small guy in big things

We kept running into really big wooden shoes and other objects when we were in Holland. I made SML pose with all of them so we could reminisce later whenever we needed a good laugh.

This trip was so much fun; I can’t even begin to express how grateful I feel that my parents were so kind and hospitable to SML and I. I got to do so much on this trip that I had never done before, especially in Paris, and it feels so good to know that I’ve been able to do those things. Among those things, we visited Painters Square, Nortre Dame, Napoleon’s Tomb, Louvre, and Versailles.