All week long, I thought about Dr. Laura coming to Salt Lake City. She would be promoting her new book, “Bad Childhood, Good Life” at the Deseret Book store downtown between 6:30 p.m. and 8:30 p.m. I wanted to see what she was like in real life; if her hair was really that brilliant and are her teeth really that white?

During my lunch break, I tune into 570 A.M. at 1:00 p.m. and scarf down a Big Mac in the McDonald’s parking lot. Dr. Laura is an addiction that I can’t break. During the commercial breaks, I read Star Magazine. So far, I’ve gained 10 pounds. I’m a devoted fan.

On Friday, I sent Gabe a text asking if he wanted to meet me downtown to see Dr. Laura. He said fine, and met me at the near empty ZCMI Center. Since Dr. Laura wouldn’t be appearing for another hour (and because Gabe’s friend working at Inkley’s kept asking if I was really there to see Dr. Laura) we decided to catch TRAX and eat at ZTejas inside the Gateway shopping center.

Once we arrived back at the ZCMI Center around 7:30 p.m., I was dismayed; everyone was gone. There was no line; there was no Dr. Laura. Gabe might have been glad she wasn’t there, but he did exclaim, “She was supposed to be here until 8:30 p.m.!” Not long after, I found myself in a line of overweight women asking where the doctor was.

When I saw my company, I felt a little foolish and wondered whether or not I had seen any of these women in the McDonald’s parking lot. The store manager was trying to calm everyone down and offered some pre-signed books and said, “She’ll be at the Wal-Mart in Layton tomorrow.” The overweight women and myself let a simultaneous gasp. I’m sure we were all thinking, “I gained 10 pounds for her!”

Bitch!

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