Whenever I want something new, my entire world stops momentarily until I have whatever it is that I’m threatening to kill myself over. SML is getting used to this behavior and stays very calm, sits down to talk with me about the situation and then suggests that maybe I’m “catastrophizing” everything. After he told me that I promptly said to him, “It IS a catastrophe!”

Waiting for online purchases is the worst part of the whole process, because even though you’ve already paid for an item, you can’t have it for four to six business days. When I ordered our new chair from Target.com, I felt anxious for approximately seven and a half days until our shipping order would finally read “Arrived in Salt Lake City; recipient not at home.”

Between Sunday and the next Monday before the chair actually arrived, I was showing SML the chair on a number of devices; first the iMac, then the iPhone, and then the Wii to prove that this chair was more green than mustard and that it would somewhat match our faded purple carpet. I didn’t get very far convincing SML that this chair was perfect because I was nervous that the texture of the chair would resemble matted cat hair like my 2005 comforter purchase from JCPenny.com.

After we did get the chair and SML had thoroughly complained that he was going to have a hernia from lifting more than his body weight, we assembled the chair by attaching the back piece to the bottom piece. It wasn’t too long after that I started thrashing around the empty box saying, “There aren’t any legs!” This fact devastated me because it would spell the end of my online purchases and I’d somehow have to figure out a way to return the chair in a half torn-apart box.

Livid might be a better way to describe the way I felt. I don’t know if it’s because I’m so tired at the end of the work day or because I have a chemical imbalance, but I was ready to murder whoever packaged that chair together; and then use their body parts to feed the new kitty I’d purchase to help me get over my unresolved issues. I called customer support the next day and explained my issue expecting a very fake apology and instructions to wait for the United Postal Service. Instead, a dainty voice on the other line giggled and said, “Did you check inside the chair?”

When I got home later on Tuesday night, I turned the chair over onto its back and read the large label stapled to the bottom Velcro cover that read, “HARDWARE INSIDE.”

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