After the question was asked, I looked around for the other gays and asked, “Is it Gay Day?” I secretly hoped it was because it would mean I could be less attractive to the gay population in Salt Lake City after I take off my shirt and expose the hairy beast growing on my ultra-white chest. The only thing good about my chest hair is that it hides SOME of my moles that are increasingly becoming more cancer-like. I’m hoping the hair on my back will soon grow to cover the rest of my brown and sometimes red obscenities. Then, I’d be really cool.

Once Eric and I had entered the Seven Peaks Water Resort, I got really excited. Excited like a teenager might get over exploding mailboxes or getting an A+ on an STD exam in health class. But after the first slide, I was nearly done. The turns. The drops. It was too fast. And I got scared.

After the second slide, I really was done.

But don’t worry; I’m still going to go to Raging Waters. You just wait. It’s going to be awesome.

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