I can’t find my hair product anywhere! I use a putty made by Salon Selectives called, “Control[d] Substance”. It’s the only hair product that I like because it gives my hair a firm thick look that disguises the fact that my thinning hair could fall off my head at any given moment.

At some point, I could buy the Substance at several stores like Albertsons or Wal*Mart. Then, it started only being available at Wal*Mart so I’d buy four or five boxes at the same time since I hate going to Wal*Mart. Last Wednesday, I drove ALL the way to Wal*Mart, walked from the BACK of the insanely full parking lot, and searched through the hair care aisles ultimately to leave empty-handed.

Since I hate feeling defeated, I went to another Wal*Mart; the scary one in Ft. Union where the greeter booms, “Welcome to your Midvale Wal*Mart!” I walked through another insanely full parking lot, and searched through the maze of shopping carts only to leave empty handed. Again.

Luckily, I found one more box of the Substance stuffed away in my bathroom drawer (apparently hidden for safekeeping). But it’s my last one. What am I going to do? Does anyone know where I can get it? The website for Salon Selectives lies and sends you to an online retailer that doesn’t even sell their products! What the hell? I already have bad hair; I’m not ready for it to get worse.

What’s next? Are they going to stop selling Twinkies too!?

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