Week ending May 26

Will you please hand me a tissue?

It has happened; the allergens are back. I really like blowing my nose every five seconds and pretending to be the reindeer named Rudolph in May. It is so much fun and it helps me remember why I love being alive every day. EVERY DAY.

“Wah.”

On Tuesday evening I skipped swimming practice because I wanted to pout. It’s apparently one of my most favorite things to do, because I’ve been doing it more often than I have in the past and it usually involves Nyquil or chocolate covered donuts. I’ll stay in my bedroom and say things like, “Oh God. My stomach is so fat.” And then I’ll eat another donut and pretend like I’m on Showtime’s “Fat Actress.”

Ken is still Homophobic.

The gays in Salt Lake City are certainly “out and about”. They’re holding hands, and even kissing in public at places like 24 Hour, 33rd South, Main Street, and at the Gateway. I feel surprised when I see affectionate behavior between two men or two women and often circle in my surrounding to make sure I’m still in Utah and not on the set of Queer as Folk or standing on a yellow-brick road. In the end, it’s kind of cute. I guess.

“I find your intense energy overwhelming…”

If you find yourself mixed up in a text-messaging scandal with my dual personality, K Ko, I apologize. He sometimes comes out with a mixture of chlorine and a tight Speedo from France. If you feel like you’ve been text-raped, please report the incident to your local authorities and persuade your cellular carrier to block future provocative messages.

Ken’s a mutant, too.

My mutant power is my ability to be so good looking. Everyone that comes into contact with me falls deeply in love and often spurts words like, “You’re amazing!” and “I can’t live without you.” At least, that’s what my mutant power would be if I was in the coolest X-Men movie ever: The Final Stand. The best time to see a movie like X-Men is at the first midnight showing with the other geeks who also cheer on Wolverine and gasp at the end the credits. The crazy geek-filled theatre atmosphere was so much fun that the crunching popcorn and crinkling candy wrappers didn’t even bother me. Not even a little. Now if Hollywood would just make a movie version of Captain Planet…

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