Week Ending May 12

Ken’s speed limit is less than two miles per hour.

Please expect to go slower than the average human being when rollerblading with Ken. On Sunday afternoon, I’m sure I was at least twice-lapped by the other patrons at Liberty Park and more than once, I felt the sensation that one of those patrons wanted to trip me. I’m glad that didn’t happen, because I would have had to put on my “mean face” and really kick some bootie.

Stare hard, retard.

More often than not, if someone is looking in my direction I’ll stare back in a way that might seem like my eyeballs will pop out and bounce on the floor. This kind of behavior at the gym marks you as “memorable”, and you will often be recognized at your local Wal-Mart as you’re purchasing Sun laundry detergent and Nair for men.

This shit is bananas.

Sometimes, I really am drowning at swim practice. After my muscles tighten up in what’s known as a “charlie horse”, I flap my fins in the water trying my hardest not to yelp. After complaining to myself and BA for a couple of weeks, I bought some bananas at the local grocery store I like to call “Smiths”. Can I offer anyone some Potassium?

Bad things happen in Ogden.

Cole got into an automobile accident on Thursday morning after she had run a red light. I’ll often run red lights in Ogden too, since it’s only natural to want to commit suicide in O-Town. After the metal had stopped crunching, the victim of this escapade fled the scene leaving Cole wondering who actually ran the red light.

Ken’s new diet is called Anorexia.

Losing weight is hard. I’ve lost nearly ten pounds in the last month; but it came at the price of hunger. I feel hungry ALL OF THE TIME. A lot of people will suggest that I don’t need to lose weight, but they all of course are wrong. I feel uncomfortable, and I won’t relive the seventh grade episode where I bend over and a girl shrieks in the background. Until I’m sure that won’t happen again, I’ll continue to pray for God to rid me of my fascination with McDonalds and Twinkies.

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