“I have two big poops!”

On Saturday, SML and I babysat for my sister while she went to a bachelorette party armed with KY Jelly. I was in the living room when I heard my nephew say, “Ken! I’ve got to go poop!” I told him that was okay and continued playing with my niece. A few moments later, my nephew announced very proudly “I have two BIG poops!” and was determined that I have a look and possibly present him with a trophy.

“Happy Birthday.”

On Sunday, SML’s mother led his family in singing Happy Birthday to me during dinner. My face felt extremely hot when that happened and I wasn’t sure how to handle myself or who to throw up on. But it was a nice thing and I should really express how genuinely nice SML’s family is. And how they’ve never tried to poison me at dinner. Because that could happen.

“Paige.”

My sister had her second baby on Monday afternoon. She named her Paige, the same name of a beautiful girl I remember from high school that won all sorts of awards in DECA. She had kind of long face now that I think about, and I bet she looks old now. But Paige, the baby, is very cute. I’m thinking about training her to say my name, “Ken” with a pause of five seconds or so and then saying “JESUS!” afterwards. Just like her brother.

On being gassy.

On Thursday night, SML went to one of our favorite places; Crown Burger. I immediately feel guilty after binging on what could be the most delicious hamburger of our time, so we went to the gym afterwards to burn off all 2000 Crown Burger calories. We were using the elliptical machines right about the time I started to get gas. Every time I let a little out, I’d sniff like I could smell something horrible and then look in SML’s direction. This worked out really well because SML was listening to Dane Cook and kept laughing.

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