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Part of the reason I primarily dated in Salt Lake City when I was living in Davis or Weber County was because I really enjoyed my freedom to leave the city whenever I wanted to. And since I lived so far away, I never had to double-lock my doors at night because there isn’t a gay man alive who would be willing to travel thirty minutes out of their way to tell me that they couldn’t live without me. Except for that time I went to Delaware. At some point when I was living in Clearfield, I decided to meet someone from “THE INTERNET”. As time has gone on, I think the people on the Internet have gotten scarier; and maybe even nastier. I remember when the Internet used to be fun; when you’d log on to America Online after waiting an hour for something other than a busy signal, and then feel your pulse quicken after hearing “You’ve Got Mail.” Now whenever I have new e-mail I only hear a quick beep. Afterwards, I feel like cutting my wrists because that piece of mail just might be from my former bishop that found my website googling for “tightie whities”. Since the Internet Dude lived south of Salt Lake City, I figured he could come over and we’d watch a movie together; a scary movie about the danger’s of chartrooms. And maybe we’d even live happily ever after together. Maybe. Until I asked him what the word ‘quasi’ meant. I said something like, “What does that word mean? My roommate says it all the time about his boyfriend, but I can’t tell if he’s saying ‘quasi’ or ‘cross-eyed’.” And I said it while I was curling my blonde locks using my index finger. And I had bubble-gum. Internet Dude looked at me as though I had just committed the worst sin ever. He took a couple of deep breaths before he said, “It’s an INTELLIGENT way of saying ‘sort of’…” He excused himself a couple of moments later after I had the chance to laugh out of my nostrils and pretend that it was totally normal for people in Davis County to not have a vocabulary. No big deal, right? I wouldn’t see him again because he lived south of Salt Lake City. WE WERE SO FAR AWAY. The chance was minimal that I’d ever see him at the grocery store or flipping me off on I-15. And if he told his friends how stupid I was, I could hope that my look-a-like, Kip, would take the blame. Now that I’m living in Salt Lake City, I run into my ‘quasi-date’ ALL OF THE TIME. He’s everywhere. And he’s in MY smith’s grocery store; remembering how much of my brain has been dissolved by the stench coming from the Great Salt Lake. This calls for a bah-humbug; and a cheeseburger at McDonald’s.
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