ja_koniga

Christmas shopping is on my ‘list of things I hate most’ right under other things like going to the dentist, paying for gas, and going number two. And it gets worse every year as I pace back and forth down mall corridors, thinking of whether or not I should buy everyone I know a Bobble-head Doll with my head on it.

This year is particularly agonizing because my budget allows for nothing other than eighty-five cent meals and one-ply toilet paper. I’m going to promise everyone I know that this is just a “phase”, and that I’m not ordinarily this cheap. Because when I handout loaves of bread this year, I might get kicked in the crotch. But I’m certain that the loaves of bread will be better than carrying around mistletoe and giving out free kisses to anyone that wants a present.

Cole called while I was shopping for SML and said, ‘Why are you getting that for him? That’s not exciting.” I felt exasperated and tried to explain that my ill-fated Pontiac needed seven hundred dollars for a sensor thingy and has since left my pockets bare of change that could go towards “excitement.” And that she was only getting half a loaf of bread.

When Cole suggested that I get a sex toy instead, I considered asking her if she had ever met SML whom I often refer to as the Teacher; because if she had, she would know that not only would SML turn the deepest shade of red possible, but that he’d probably have problems looking at me in the face ever again. That, and that it would be the worst possible life span of a sex toy; facing the fate of being chopped up in a food disposal and then flushed down a toilet.

I’m thinking of getting him one anyways just to see what happens. It might be like watching marshmellows explode in the microwave.

There’s a cool site on the Internet called “Buy Nothing Christmas.” It’s a really useful site if you find yourself with an empty pocketbook this year.

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